why time don't heal for me?

went shopping with my darlings today. told them to meet earlier because i needed to rest more. as usual, i did not buy anything. i am not really a shopper. but of course, i enjoyed my darlings company a lot.

was alone when i walked over to far east from orchard MRT. memories started to flash again and again. as usual, i block and block. but the harder i block, the clearer the memories became. all the way to sweet talk bubble tea to walking along the streets on a rainy day to meeting him at paragon to going into hyatt hotel to sunglasses shopping to roof terrace at hyatt hotel to god of fortune at the staircase to...................................i can't continue. let me rest my eyes for a while.

okay.. i am good. after that, we went to Marina Square's Waraku for dinner. why Marina Square especially where we are sitting? i can see Singapore Flyers. i can see us. i can see v day which happened 3 weeks ago. marina square, k box, kenny rogers, arcade............but, i never uttered a single thing to my darlings. i don't know how to start and i don't know how i will react. i don't know. i seriously don't know. my darlings, if u read this post, promise me. pls promise me not to ask anything about how i am feeling right now. because i am always so so so afraid of telling u guys the truth. 

went to singapore entertainment award which i managed to secure 7 tickets. all for my darlings and their bfs. (yunling: your bf is overseas so i never get ticket for him.) it was fun of course! i get to see a lot of stars like stephanie sun, show, yang zhong wei, olivia ong, cai chun jia, kaira gong, jj lin, energy and many more. some can really sing well, like yang zhong wei. some cannot make it. some dance really well. 

but how come? despite enjoying the show, i still think about him and miss him a lot. especially during the parts with lots of dancers performing. i kept thinking if those dance moves are popping, locking or hip hop. i still thought i can ask him. but i forgot that he is no longer around. i forgot things are already over between us. 

on my left, it was the singapore flyer. yilin caught me staring at the flyer. i told her that i was looking at the flyer. but i did not tell her that i was actually missing him. i know things are already not going accordingly to expectations since the very beginning. but i refused to give up. i refused to give up. i kept on to my beliefs. i insist on believing that things will be better. i insist that miracles will happen for us. i kept trying and trying. i tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried tried. but in the end, it still make us go our separate ways. is there really no turning back?

today, my mum finally broke the news to my dad after so long. my dad never blamed him. instead he asked my mum is it because of our family background that he chose to break up. my silly papa, i am very confident that our family background will never be a concern to any of my relationships. because i know that i have the best papa and mama in the world. i am really proud of you all. i guess it's me. it's just me. my flaws. my insensitiveness. i'm sorry.

i miss you so much. but i don't even have the courage to message you.

我在搞笑 借着热闹 掩盖着心跳

边哭边笑 偏要说着 一个人真好
当人群散了 突然觉得我可以死掉
我受不了

indeed, i am tired of always being like a clown. indeed i am not as strong as i thought i can be. indeed, this is hurting more than i am expecting. indeed, i am avoiding. indeed, i refuse to go home early. indeed, i am choosing to stay out very late and make sure i am very tired then i go home and sleep immediately. indeed, i hate it like now when i am awaked and being really emo. indeed, i am crying now.